Diary of a Christian Single Mom

The Label – Secondhand Goods

There are certain things and norms that demean one, no matter the circumstance that caused it, once the label is on you it’s hard to get it off.

 

Let’s talk about single moms; the mom who fell pregnant for her lover as a teenager and he wouldn’t take responsibility, she found courage to keep the baby and damn the shame, the one who lost her husband she loved so much and is now left with the burden to cater for the kids alone, the one who survived an abusive marriage and is now divorced/separated from her husband and has custody of the kids, and the list goes on.

 

Maybe it’s a Nigerian thing, or maybe it’s me but there seems to be hardly a place for her (the single mom) and second chances are rarely given. 

Yes, you can say single moms get married every now and then but the chances are very slim. Once you have had a kid out of wedlock it’s even slimmer, a divorcee with kid(s) much slimmer, widow, maybe not so slim but I think it’s unfair that you get to do the rest of your life alone because of the Nigerian narrative or maybe it’s an African narrative that single moms are labelled second hand goods not that they are but hey, don’t shush me,😃it’s nearly the truth, nearly I say; you may not think it but you may also unconsciously share in that narrative that a single mom is used goods or that she doesn’t need a man.

 

I remember once replying to a friend’s WhatsApp status maybe I shouldn’t say friend but anyway, I saw that someone was getting married and then I replied to his post saying “God go do our own o” and he replied saying “mama bomboy wetin you want make God do again o?” wow! 😲that shook me, so you see, he had already concluded that since I had already had a child I don’t need a man or rather God has already it done it once for me don’t ask for twice, those that haven’t had a chance should have theirs first.

Maybe it’s the INFP me overthinking things again, but quite frankly if you haven’t walked these shoes you sincerely can’t or shouldn’t judge.

 

It doesn’t get easier, it just gets different. There’s the phase where you are trying to survive (especially after a divorce or the loss of your husband you feel like your life would fall apart) and stay sane for the sake of the kids, you do all you can to get that degree, that job, that extra income, improve on yourself to make a better life for you and your kid(s). It’s never easy, some moms loose themselves in the process some are lucky to get help from loved ones, friends and family but it’s not the same for all.

Then there’s the phase where you begin to feel the need to have a companion again, someone you can talk to, share your life’s dream with, be vulnerable with, someone to call your own and basically just do life with. But it seems farfetched cos there’s an invisible embargo of “Do not Touch” on you.

This phase I say is the hardest because it’s a rollercoaster of garbage in garbage out. You find that the guys that come around in this phase don’t want forever, they want friends with benefits (even you are afraid to want forever because you’ve unconsciously settled for less) you say to yourself, “I’d take what I can get as long as it’s good enough even though it’s temporary, I just need someone to fill up this void”. Then you say, “I’m a Christian girl I must remain celibate” but that’s hardly ever easy especially that time of the month when ovulation comes like a demonic attack you begin to plead the blood of Jesus over your hormones,😂 I mean after all He created them, if He could calm the boisterous storm what’s ovulation that He can’t calm right? But how long can you keep up with it? Yes it’s a phase, a phase I currently am, and I don’t even wish this for my enemy, I am certain it will pass and I look forward to next phase ready to slay some more demons.

The struggle is daunting I must say, having walked these shoes or rather I’d say walking in these shoes cos I’m still in them, I can say now that I actually can’t blame the victims of domestic abuse who go back to their abusive partners it’s really hard being alone God didn’t design it so. I also don’t judge the ones who hide their kids with their parents just to get another shot at marriage again (I wouldn’t but I don’t judge them). This life is hard. Yes, I know the choices we once made put us in this lives we now live but it shouldn’t be a death sentence.

 

To the woman who had to go through teenage pregnancy and was disowned by her parents for her mistake, you’re a true hero; thank you for not killing that innocent kid, to the woman who had a child out of wedlock, I don’t judge you cos God doesn’t; thank you for standing tall, to the woman who survived domestic abuse and left her abuser to stay alive for her kids; you should be crowned the world’s best mom, you’re a true survivor, to the woman whose husband left her because he couldn’t man up to his responsibilities; you are the strongest woman I know.

 

To every single mom out there wanting to give up, hey! sis don’t do it! keep holding the fort. You are doing such an amazing job!

 

You are loved and cherished, you are the true definition of love. Hold your head up high and never give up!

 

PS: In my next post I’d write about how we can rise above these labels. Thanks for reading, remember to visit again 😉

 

 

The Christian Single Mom