No one prepares you for the single mom shoes, no one actually deliberately walks into them, life just happens and whatever way it does happen you find yourself trying to adapt to the new status life has thrown at you without your permission. 

 I find that I actually hate the label ‘single mom’, not that I'm not proud to be a mom but the two words in a sentence or as a word sounds so pitiful and tragic, it connotes misery; like the woman is all alone. Then you hear statements like; how did she end up being a single mom? She must be a dunce, why did she marry an abusive man? It’s good for her next time she'd read the warning signs, I thought she's born again? How come she made a mess of her life? Didn’t she hear from God? Why did she get pregnant out of wedlock? Oh, she was busy fornicating with her partner, the list of unending judgmental questions and statements just keeps going on.  

Most single moms can't stand the shame I personally I can't stand the pitiful look I get from church members or colleagues when they find out I'm a single mom. I hate that they feel like I'm powerless or totally clueless with my life. Then there are sly remarks and questions; are you so naive? Didn't you guys date? (Like seriously 😳 is that supposed to be a trick question? 😏)

I remember once talking with an elderly lady and she told me you cannot be married again o, it's best you go back to your son's father and patch things up it is a sin before God to be divorced. I was really taken aback, how can I suffer in abusive marriage just because no one will marry a single mom? My life is not defined by marriage neither should marriage define my life. 

Yes, I want to the chance to be loved again rightly, but I would rather take my chances as a single mom than die in an abusive marriage for the sake of societal norms. 

We even see this in the church, sadly so. There are very few ministries that cater to single moms infact there's an invisible stigma and embargo placed on you, no one just talks about it and they'd rather not but it’s there and deep down in your heart you are aware that certain responsibilities are not placed in your hands because of your status. Not that I mind, but I feel the church is meant to be a safe haven not a place to judge or stigmatize anyone and hey! this post is not for throwing blows at the church I’m just mentioning the societal ills faced by a single mom.

Now this leads me to a few presumptuous labels given to a single mom

1. Promiscuous 

Once you're a single mom who had her child out of wedlock, no one cares to know the story, you are immediately labeled promiscuous. It doesn't matter how it happened no one wants to know, especially if it was a teenage pregnancy. I feel this is a very assumptious stance not every single teenage mom is promiscuous note that I said ‘not every’, it's rather unfair to generalize. Not that I support teenage pregnancy, I also wouldn’t want a baby is giving birth to a baby, but hey, life happens I guess.🤷🏽‍♀️ 

I remember reading a tweet of an influential person and he said single moms are ‘surgically enhanced Jezebels who are unashamed of their whoredom’ wow! 😲 that was cold, though he put an exception for the one who was raped or widowed but I think that it is a rather presumptuous stance and quite wrong to generalize, it’s just like saying all men are scum. Yes, there are a few bad eggs in the crate take them out, do not throw the good ones alongside the bad ones. What good is it to throw away the baby and the bath water?

2. Secondhand goods

‘She's not worth more than a few shillings’ they say, she's definitely cheap and clueless, only to be used and dumped that's all she's good for. She's certainly desperate so she'd take what she can get, she can't even complain. This narrative is aches me to my bones, it’s really painful walking in these shoes. 

3. A dunce

What were you thinking? Having a baby out of wedlock? It's bad enough you were sleeping around weren't you told about protection? Morning after pills? None of that? Ah, you must be so foolish to have kept the baby, just know that your life is over and no man will marry you, these statements are a regular pill for her, she has become used to them. She even begins to reevaluate her mental capacity, 'I must really be a fool' she says to herself. 

These labels may never go away, so it's important to have that knowledge and know peace. It's serenity to accept the things you cannot change, it doesn't make you weak it only makes you wise. It also doesn't mean you have accepted the label, it just means that you do not call yourself by that label and as long you don't it doesn't matter what others say. 

Here are a few first steps to take in order to rise above the labels.

1. Grieve

It is very important that you do not skip this phase, it is the most important step of your healing process. So go ahead, throw a pity party if you must, cry, scream, eat junk food, skip showering, but hey, don't stay in there for too long and also ensure you have loved ones around if you can for needed support. Whatever you do, do not bottle up your feelings. This phase is mostly important for those going through a painful divorce, fleeing from an abusive marriage or having a child out of wedlock and the father wouldn't take responsibility, even the widow who just lost her husband, please let it all out, you owe it to yourself to grieve.

2. Forgive

Forgive yourself and the one who hurt you. With forgiveness comes alot of healing you'd find peace once you're able to forgive totally. It's not a walk in the park, but remember how Jesus taught us how to pray? (Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sinned against us) Forgiveness is more for you than it is for the one who hurt you. To the one who had her child out of wedlock, forgive yourself, all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, this is not a pat on your back that you have done well, but a pat that you can do better by fleeing from that way of life, but first off, forgive yourself. 

3. Reaffirm your identity in Christ

Yes, you are a single mom, you maybe divorced and you've heard it over and over again that God hates divorce oh yes, He does, but know that He doesn't hate the divorcee. He loves you, He's the husband to the widow He takes personal care of you, He doesn't cast you away because you had a child out of wedlock, you may have strayed but He's the God that leaves 99 to go after the one lost sheep, that's how much you mean to Him. 

I remember peculiarly the story of Hagar and her son Ishmael in Genesis 21vs9-17, Sarah after having Isaac would no longer want anything to do with Hagar and her son so she sent them away, unprepared for the life she was now faced with, Hagar was devastated but God showed up for her and made a great nation out of Ishmael.

So I say again, hold your head up high, you are not your mistakes you are who God says you are. You are strong and beautiful, you are not defined by your past, but you are defined by every word of God spoken concerning you. 

Thank you for reading! 😉