The Christian Single Mom
I find that I actually hate the label ‘single mom’, not that I'm not proud to be a mom but the two words in a sentence or as a word sounds so pitiful and tragic, it connotes misery; like the woman is all alone. Then you hear statements like; how did she end up being a single mom? She must be a dunce, why did she marry an abusive man? It’s good for her next time she'd read the warning signs, I thought she's born again? How come she made a mess of her life? Didn’t she hear from God? Why did she get pregnant out of wedlock? Oh, she was busy fornicating with her partner, the list of unending judgmental questions and statements just keeps going on.
Most single moms can't stand the shame I personally I can't stand the pitiful look I get from church members or colleagues when they find out I'm a single mom. I hate that they feel like I'm powerless or totally clueless with my life. Then there are sly remarks and questions; are you so naive? Didn't you guys date? (Like seriously 😳 is that supposed to be a trick question? 😏)
I remember once talking with an elderly lady and she told me you cannot be married again o, it's best you go back to your son's father and patch things up it is a sin before God to be divorced. I was really taken aback, how can I suffer in abusive marriage just because no one will marry a single mom? My life is not defined by marriage neither should marriage define my life.
Yes, I want to the chance to be loved again rightly, but I would rather take my chances as a single mom than die in an abusive marriage for the sake of societal norms.
We even see this in the church, sadly so. There are very few ministries that cater to single moms infact there's an invisible stigma and embargo placed on you, no one just talks about it and they'd rather not but it’s there and deep down in your heart you are aware that certain responsibilities are not placed in your hands because of your status. Not that I mind, but I feel the church is meant to be a safe haven not a place to judge or stigmatize anyone and hey! this post is not for throwing blows at the church I’m just mentioning the societal ills faced by a single mom.
Now this leads me to a few presumptuous labels given to a single mom
1. Promiscuous
Once you're a single mom who had her child out of wedlock, no one cares to know the story, you are immediately labeled promiscuous. It doesn't matter how it happened no one wants to know, especially if it was a teenage pregnancy. I feel this is a very assumptious stance not every single teenage mom is promiscuous note that I said ‘not every’, it's rather unfair to generalize. Not that I support teenage pregnancy, I also wouldn’t want a baby is giving birth to a baby, but hey, life happens I guess.🤷🏽♀️
I remember reading a tweet of an influential person and he said single moms are ‘surgically enhanced Jezebels who are unashamed of their whoredom’ wow! 😲 that was cold, though he put an exception for the one who was raped or widowed but I think that it is a rather presumptuous stance and quite wrong to generalize, it’s just like saying all men are scum. Yes, there are a few bad eggs in the crate take them out, do not throw the good ones alongside the bad ones. What good is it to throw away the baby and the bath water?
2. Secondhand goods
‘She's not worth more than a few shillings’ they say, she's definitely cheap and clueless, only to be used and dumped that's all she's good for. She's certainly desperate so she'd take what she can get, she can't even complain. This narrative is aches me to my bones, it’s really painful walking in these shoes.
3. A dunce
What were you thinking? Having a baby out of wedlock? It's bad enough you were sleeping around weren't you told about protection? Morning after pills? None of that? Ah, you must be so foolish to have kept the baby, just know that your life is over and no man will marry you, these statements are a regular pill for her, she has become used to them. She even begins to reevaluate her mental capacity, 'I must really be a fool' she says to herself.
These labels may never go away, so it's important to have that knowledge and know peace. It's serenity to accept the things you cannot change, it doesn't make you weak it only makes you wise. It also doesn't mean you have accepted the label, it just means that you do not call yourself by that label and as long you don't it doesn't matter what others say.
Here are a few first steps to take in order to rise above the labels.
1. Grieve
It is very important that you do not skip this phase, it is the most important step of your healing process. So go ahead, throw a pity party if you must, cry, scream, eat junk food, skip showering, but hey, don't stay in there for too long and also ensure you have loved ones around if you can for needed support. Whatever you do, do not bottle up your feelings. This phase is mostly important for those going through a painful divorce, fleeing from an abusive marriage or having a child out of wedlock and the father wouldn't take responsibility, even the widow who just lost her husband, please let it all out, you owe it to yourself to grieve.
2. Forgive
Forgive yourself and the one who hurt you. With forgiveness comes alot of healing you'd find peace once you're able to forgive totally. It's not a walk in the park, but remember how Jesus taught us how to pray? (Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sinned against us) Forgiveness is more for you than it is for the one who hurt you. To the one who had her child out of wedlock, forgive yourself, all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, this is not a pat on your back that you have done well, but a pat that you can do better by fleeing from that way of life, but first off, forgive yourself.
3. Reaffirm your identity in Christ
Yes, you are a single mom, you maybe divorced and you've heard it over and over again that God hates divorce oh yes, He does, but know that He doesn't hate the divorcee. He loves you, He's the husband to the widow He takes personal care of you, He doesn't cast you away because you had a child out of wedlock, you may have strayed but He's the God that leaves 99 to go after the one lost sheep, that's how much you mean to Him.
I remember peculiarly the story of Hagar and her son Ishmael in Genesis 21vs9-17, Sarah after having Isaac would no longer want anything to do with Hagar and her son so she sent them away, unprepared for the life she was now faced with, Hagar was devastated but God showed up for her and made a great nation out of Ishmael.
So I say again, hold your head up high, you are not your mistakes you are who God says you are. You are strong and beautiful, you are not defined by your past, but you are defined by every word of God spoken concerning you.
Thank you for reading! 😉
Diary of a Christian Single Mom
The Label – Secondhand Goods
There
are certain things and norms that demean one, no matter the circumstance that
caused it, once the label is on you it’s hard to get it off.
Let’s talk about single moms; the mom who fell pregnant for
her lover as a teenager and he wouldn’t
take responsibility, she found courage to keep the baby and damn the shame, the
one who lost her husband she loved so much and is now left with the burden to
cater for the kids alone, the one who survived an abusive marriage and is now
divorced/separated from her husband and has custody of the kids, and the list
goes on.
Maybe it’s a Nigerian thing, or maybe it’s me but there seems to be hardly a place for her (the single mom) and second chances are rarely given.
Yes, you can say single moms get married every now and then but
the chances are very slim. Once you have had a kid out of wedlock it’s even slimmer, a divorcee with kid(s) much slimmer,
widow, maybe not so slim but I think it’s
unfair that you get to do the rest of your life alone because of the Nigerian
narrative or maybe it’s an African
narrative that single moms are labelled second hand goods not that they are but
hey, don’t shush me,😃it’s
nearly the truth, nearly I say; you may not think it but you may also
unconsciously share in that narrative that a single mom is used goods or that
she doesn’t need a man.
I remember once replying to a friend’s WhatsApp status maybe I shouldn’t say friend but anyway, I saw that someone was getting married and then I replied to his post saying “God go do our own o” and he replied saying “mama bomboy wetin you want make God do again o?” wow! 😲that shook me, so you see, he had already concluded that since I had already had a child I don’t need a man or rather God has already it done it once for me don’t ask for twice, those that haven’t had a chance should have theirs first.
Maybe
it’s the INFP me overthinking things again, but quite
frankly if you haven’t walked these
shoes you sincerely can’t or shouldn’t judge.
It
doesn’t get easier, it just gets different. There’s the phase where you are trying to survive (especially after a
divorce or the loss of your husband you feel like your life would fall apart) and stay sane for
the sake of the kids, you do all you can to get that degree, that job, that
extra income, improve on yourself to make a better life for you and your kid(s). It’s never easy, some moms loose themselves in the process
some are lucky to get help from loved ones, friends and family but it’s not the same for all.
Then
there’s the phase where you begin to feel the need to have a companion again,
someone you can talk to, share your life’s dream with, be vulnerable with,
someone to call your own and basically just do life with. But it seems farfetched
cos there’s an invisible embargo of “Do not Touch” on you.
This
phase I say is the hardest because it’s a rollercoaster of garbage in garbage
out. You find that the guys that come around in this phase don’t want forever, they want friends
with benefits (even you are afraid to want forever because you’ve
unconsciously settled for less) you say to yourself, “I’d take what I can get as long
as it’s good enough even though it’s temporary, I just need someone to fill up
this void”. Then you say, “I’m a Christian girl I must remain celibate” but
that’s hardly ever easy especially that time of the month when ovulation comes
like a demonic attack you begin to plead the blood of Jesus over your hormones,😂 I mean after all He created them, if He could calm the boisterous storm what’s
ovulation that He can’t calm right? But how long can you keep up with it? Yes it’s a
phase, a phase I currently am, and I don’t even wish this for my enemy, I am
certain it will pass and I look forward to next phase ready to slay some more
demons.
The struggle is daunting I must say, having walked these shoes or rather I’d say walking in these shoes cos I’m still in them, I can say now that I actually can’t blame the victims of domestic abuse who go back to their abusive partners it’s really hard being alone God didn’t design it so. I also don’t judge the ones who hide their kids with their parents just to get another shot at marriage again (I wouldn’t but I don’t judge them). This life is hard. Yes, I know the choices we once made put us in this lives we now live but it shouldn’t be a death sentence.
To
the woman who had to go through teenage pregnancy and was disowned by her
parents for her mistake, you’re a true hero;
thank you for not killing that innocent kid, to the woman who had a child out of
wedlock, I don’t judge you cos God doesn’t;
thank you for standing tall, to the woman who survived domestic abuse and left
her abuser to stay alive for her kids; you should be crowned the world’s best mom, you’re
a true survivor, to the woman whose husband left her because he couldn’t man up to his responsibilities; you are the strongest
woman I know.
To every single mom out there wanting to give up, hey! sis don’t do it! keep holding the fort. You are doing such an amazing job!
You
are loved and cherished, you are the true definition of love. Hold your head up
high and never give up
PS:
In my next post I’d write about how we can rise above these labels.
Thanks for reading, remember to visit again 😉
The Christian Single Mom
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